I was silenced: White privilege in corporate America.

Every company talks about inclusion & diversity. But where is it? I still don't see it.

The topic headlines Yahoo, our favorite magazines & online news, and frequents LinkedIn.

But I work in Corporate America. And I STILL DON'T SEE IT!

The very first company I worked at was 90% white males. The second company I worked at had a few ethnic races, and women, but again, mostly white, especially in positions such as VP, or Director.

Second company, same.

Third company, same.

Fourth company, same. Now 11 years later. Still, no change.

All VP's & Directors = WHITE.

What do I mean by white? I mean of European descent. Light skin, light hair, highly educated, mostly tall.

And let me comment real quick on Highly Educated ...education in America is a privilege, it's expensive. If you can't afford it, you may not be able to go. And if you don't go, you're stuck in the same position your parents were. Poverty is cyclical. If we don't provide all ethnicities with the same equal opportunities, financially as well, then we can never get out.

What do I look like? Short, tan skin, skinny, dark curly (very ethnic) middle eastern hair.

But let me go back to that Third Company real quick. Due to the size of the firm, I choose to keep their name secret because money is power. And let's just say, I have no power. Society has taught me that well.

My direct supervisor = WHITE MALE.

My second direct supervisor = WHITE FEMALE.

My VP of marketing = WHITE FEMALE.

The CEO = white male.

While they were great at keeping the male to female ratio equal. It was still 90% white. And the problem I have with that is in regards to superiority & subconscious white privileged behavior.

I can't say that it is their fault for treating me this way. This is the way they were raised. So who should have spoken up for me and protected me? HR.

Oh but wait, HR manager was WHITE female and VP was WHITE as well.

Backstory:

My direct supervisor would rarely agree with me in public. But if he knew I was right about something, in regards to a design let's say, he would design what I described over the weekend and bring it as his own idea the next week. And he would give me no credit. He would silence me and give me looks in meetings to gesture to me to keep quiet.

If I complained that someone was disrespecting me or bullying me, which they did a few times, he would brush it under the rug.

Was he threatened by me? Maybe, not likely. Was it his white upbringing? MOST likely. Hear me out here, MOST FUCKING likely.

It's too easy to claim that you are "for diversity". He hired one black female as an assistant - can we talk about levels? That's a huge issue of mine. Why were all the ethnic's hired at lower job levels? The hierarchy in the corporate system seem to reflect that which society has built outside of the office - in social standards.

I would complain so much about a vendor of ours who was mistreating us. It made me so uncomfortable to work with them. I complained, and instead of hearing me out or allowing me to work with another vendor they allowed the situation to escalate. Which was my own fault as well, due to my impatience. My impatience of being mistreated in corporate America for 11 years.

I was bullied by the larger girls in the office. I am 5'0 very un-intimidating. I was yelled at in public by two large white females. IN PUBLIC! And no one stood up for me. I would often stay quiet because I feared losing my job more than their hate and their treatment.

I went to HR.

I cried in their office.

I mentioned my boss' name. At the time I felt like it was a huge mistake that I spoke up. I felt like I got laid off because I spoke up. They claimed "budgetary issues". But I knew what it was. The boss was upset with me for speaking up. That was it.

I have made so many excuses about my own behavior since I was laid off. I thought maybe I was too young, maybe I didn't handle the budget correctly, maybe I was too outspoken in meetings - which I was (but wait, is that a fault?), maybe I made a few errors, maybe they really were losing money.

For the past 9 months I continued to repeat the stories over and over in my mind to make sure I could try to remember what I did wrong . I really did want to find out it was me that was the problem. That actually would make this a lot easier on my mind.

Such a Middle Eastern girl thing to do. Blame Herself.

But now that I am happy and healthy and back to my old self. I can now remember very clearly that this was not my fault. This is not an opinion. This is a fact.

FACT:

1. I was silenced when mentioning the mishandling of money and invoicing by a vendor.
2. I was silenced when mentioning the bullying of other people in the office.
3. I was silenced when mentioning my boss singling me out for imaginary problems that him & other people were making up to try to remove me from my position.

How does this all affect me today?

I am silent in meetings.

It will take me a very long time to ever speak up again if I see something wrong in the office.

I will never go to HR for anything.

Because is it worth it? Someone in my position - with no one to fall back on , is it worth it to lose my job? When my job is all I have?

Currently, no.

But one day, I hope this will change.

this ones for the boys...

i have to argue for a minute, in favor of men. in favor of the good ones that exist. Because in my life, I have some amazing men. I am #blessed. My father, who is made of gold, and my male cousins (the younger ones) , also made of gold. not pure gold...i can't say they are perfect, because no one is, but they TRY. They are WOKE.

i can't help but worry that all this man-hating is going to make men resent us. a few times now, a man has refused to help me pick up a large package, or help keep the door open for me, or what seems to have been purposefully walking past me with some anger. and i believe it is due to what is going on in the media currently. The #metoo, the #timesup etc.

As a woman, it is hard to not defend other women, regardless. I stand by women on all topics, and yes I agree, for SOME it is #timesup.  But I would hate to categorize all men as such men that have made headlines recently.

I support the type of feminism that captures sexuality as strength and respect. I prefer to flip the script on sexuality. There is nothing wrong with it. And I can't say that it's wrong for a man to act out on his instincts (at the bar, on the street - not at work).

So this in favor of them and in favor of wearing your sexuality on your sleeve, and in favor of men holding the door open for me.

I love flirting.

And I worry that flirting, simple flirting, is what these men will stop doing for fear of any backlash.

We already live in a prudish society. Doesn't this send the wrong message to normal guys? To tell them to stay away from us? Is that what we want?

I think that eroticism is the highest form of intelligence. So yes, it is important to keep it tame when in certain situations.

But may we always flirt in the hallways outside of work. On the streets. And in bars.