Here's why you are single.

Last week, my mom sent me a link to an article titled, "Here's why you're single". My first instinct was to literally laugh out loud. And then my second was a thought, "is she trying to hint at something". I actually read the article. It was written so poorly, and gave me such pathetic, patriarchal broad explanations as to why I am single, including reasoning such as, "you fear the idea of commitment", it sparked an urge within me to write my own version, and the truth, about why my ridiculously successful female friends & I are still single, at 30+. First of all, well, most men are trash. Second of all, most men are trash. Third of all, I actually enjoy being single. There, I said it. All this hype about being in a relationship and you're the one worried about losing your man while I'm laid sprawled on my bed with no judemental male eyes within 600+ feet of me. Oh the mantrosity! I get to stroll leasurely about my apartment, with legs unshaven, hair barely done, no deoderant, burping and farting as I please and not a care in the world about NO man. If my girlfriend calls me up, I can simply get ready and jump on out, no need to check in with anyone. If I have the urge to call up a new hot guy, I can. If I feel like moving to a new city, I can. If I feel like moving out of the country I can. Not that someone in a relationship couldn't, but I can do it with ease & in the blink of an eye. No man strings attached. Other obvious reasons why I am single: 1. Men get in the way of progressing, they LITERALLY do, I have way more time on my hands when I am not dating someone. And when I am dating someone, all of a sudden that book I wanted to finish is still unread. 2. Men are selfish, and we should be too. Most men will walk out on us easier than a woman would walk out on a man. So why should I waste my years devoting myself to them when I can devote it to my own fucking self? 3. Men are judgemental and shallow, sometimes more than women. Who's opinion about your outfit do you fear most, your girlfriends or your man?

Rich Boy.

So here's my long embarrassing story. One that I never thought I would tell.

But here I am, almost 33, still a single female, LOVING it, and wondering where the fuck all the other single 33 females at?!

This starts off as your traditional tell-all, but it doesn't end as expected. So stick around.

 It all started with Match.com. Yes, before there was tinder, I told you this is going to be embarrassing. I went on my first online date in Irvine. With a guy that was in his early 30's , while I was only 24, I didn't realize how gross this was at that time, his pic was SO foggy I could barely see it. Online dating was so new at this point that even my sister went to crash my date - only for 2 minutes - to make sure this guy was A-Ok.

The date was cool, from what I could remember we ate and then went to the arcade. He was super nice and the conversation was great - BUT - I just wasn't attracted to him. After he kept texting me I started to ghost him. I thought it was nicer than telling him I wasn't attracted to him.

Backstory to my first boyfriend who was a total babe - I hope he will be happy to read that I said this about him - and hopefully he can laugh now about what I laugh at - which is our ridiculous relationship when we were 16 through about 19. He was my first love, a total mutt - Hawaiian, Mexican , and I don't even know what else. Big lips, dark skin total pretty boy etc. In other words, #babe.

Date #2 was Sasha, from Hermosa Beach. Very good looking. We met up at a bar, had a great conversation. He even texted me that same night and scheduled another date. So far so good.

Second date with Sasha: We met up at a bar in Hermosa and he started to take pics of the "stage" where I could have sworn he was taking pics of these cute girls right in front of us. It was weird. But honestly, the underlying truth was again, I just wasn't attracted to him. So I kindly told him I wanted to leave. He was upset, and honestly I felt bad.

Date #3 was with a lawyer from Santa Monica with mommy issues. Date #4 was with a midwestern transplant that started calling me babe and honey way too soon. Date #5 was with a doctor from Palos Verdes, I'll tell you more about him later. Date #6 was with a football coach that barely spoke and was awfully timid for someone who was 6'1". Date #7 was with a guy from Long Beach that looked WAY hotter in his pics than in real life.

You get the picture?

So I took a break. But not for long. Because soon after, tinder came into the scene. And it had so many cuties I didn't know where to start.

But let's go back and discuss that Doctor I never told you about. Date #5. It's gona be a long sad story, with breaks in between so here it goes. My biggest.heartbreak.ever.

We went on a first date & I was the bad date. He showed up in his matte black ferrari with his smoken hot smile and I turned into a zombie. I am certain that was his worst date ever. But miraculously he texted me for a second date. It must of been something I said "wink wink".

So we went on a second date and again I couldn't brush off this new found silence that overcame me when he spoke. It's like I was so overwhelmed by him that it made me timid. And unfortunately I think he liked that about me. But it wasn't me, do you understand? I'm not timid , I'm fearless I'm blunt as fuck and I have no filter. But around this man I was someone else. And I can't say that after 5 years of us on and off again that he ever really got to know ME. He would take me on many many dates, lots of dinners, lots of walking around, lots of texting. But I never met his friends. And I never met his family. And I know what you're thinking...stupid girl, you should have known better.  Right? Thats what your thinking.

But I was 27 and he was exactly what I wanted. And I fell in love with him, with the way he spoke, intellectually, and the way he pushed me around verbally. So yes, I stupidly stuck around while he just wasted my time. In a way I wanted him to push me. To push me to be a better version of myself. It's a very sadistic way of improving yourself, and I don't recommend it , but it was my way. I saw him as this great grandiose human being that I thought could help mold me into someone better. Because you see, he would correct me when I would speak. He would give me financial advice. He would ask me how I was doing at work and then give me advice on how to ask for a raise and promotions. This isnt information that you can get from just a simple guy. And for that I put up with the bullshit. I knew in the back of my mind that THIS was what I was in it for. And he was using me just as much as I was using him. As much as I have been using all my men.

But let's fast forward to Rich Boy, cause it's a lighter story. And cause this was my forever lesson.

Rich boy only posted his nice cars on his tinder profile. And I mean NICE - ferrari, mclaren etc. Plus one smoking hot pic of him when he was younger. He was about 5'10", big middle eastern eyes, tan skin, and the sweetest lips.

After we connected on tinder we didn't say hello right away. That was the tinder game. You had to wait for who was going to say hi first. Finally a few weeks later, I get a random hi from him. At this point I figured he was a lost cause so he surprised me. Not only did I get a hi, he wanted my phone number and we started texting right away. He wanted to meet me - on Valentine's day!

To be continued......

So Here’s my game:

I date these rich disgusting bastards. Not because I want to end up with them. But because I want to be them. I want their lifestyle. I want in on the secrets. So i need to learn their ways. They think they are wining and dining me. And i play dumb ;) . I play your typical - oh i had no idea it was like that card. What’s that saying? If you want to beat the devil, you have to play with them. Or is it, “In order to fight evil , sometimes you have to BE evil”. 

Background: I am a very good girl at heart. But good girl’s need some bad tricks in order to move ahead. Being whimsy and submissive is going to get you nowhere.

Stay with me, and I will teach you their tricks. By the time they learn who i am , I’ve moved on . There's PLENTY of them ladies, PLENTY. So don’t think for one second that you’ll never find another guy like him again. Barf!!! 

A few tricks I learned this week:

• Stay kind. Stay sweet. No one is going to give you anything for being mean.
• Rich men think that a salary of $100k is CHEAP. WOW. Really/? OK. Then ask for 300k ;)~ . I heard that out of the mouth of a man making 6 mill a year!! 6 mill?? Do you know how many shoes i can buy with 6mill??
• Rich men won’t hire you if you play with your hair. LMAO. I mean, i hate that i heard this out of the mouth of a general manager of a fucking hospitall. BIGGEST douchebag on the planet. I mean the shit that i heard coming out of his mouth i don't have the heart to repeat. 
• His exact words to me were “I didn't hire her as a director because she played with her hair too much”
• Umm excuse me?! I will play with my fucking hair all day and all night and be a fucking director all day err day for the rest of my fucking life. 
• #HAIRFLIP
• invest in stocks - like as much as posisble. In addition to 401k . You must have a stock portfolio!  - i. e. Ellevest (low risk) . Merrill Lynch / Schwab (higher risk)

More of this story next week..........