the Gretchen effect Part 2.

My boss at BCBG was a white female, named Gretchen. My intuition and gut is so strong that I knew I wouldn’t like her before I even met her. I knew this by the way people spoke about her, not directly. It was what they weren’t saying that triggered this feeling. She was a strict disciplinarian. 

And in my very modern mind, that is not a good thing. Too much structure, too many rigid rules, too much oppression and hierarchy - never a good thing.

Gretchen expected military perfection in everything - in a simple email, in every excel sheet. She would call out and micro manage the smallest things. She was devoid of good emotion and warmth. It removed my ability to be myself and own my personality. I felt like I needed to read my emails four times before I sent them because she would give me a dreadful stare if I said something “wrong”.

She was my anti-thesis.

But what was wrong with what I was saying? I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t figure out the politics.

I pushed myself to keep my head down, work fast, suck it up and get shit done. I wasn’t there to make friends, and I hated it. I was depressed.

I did what I do best - I focus on what is working, mostly outside of work. I needed the job because I needed the money. I wanted this career path and I knew if I kept going it would get better.

But I was miserable. And it was changing my personality, not in a good way. I was absorbing her bad attitude and her anger at the smallest things.  I was taking it out on nice people around me.

And still, no matter how hard I tried, I could’t figure out the politics.

What were the politics? They were side discussions that managers would have using corporate lingo. 

Was it smart? Maybe. I was still figuring it out. Was I stupid? My SAT scores & my inner dialogue tell me otherwise. So no, I wasn’t “stupid”. Whatever that means.

I was aware.

I was aware that what they were saying, these “political” work arounds. Talking in a circle instead of being TRANSPARENT. Instead of just saying what you mean they would speak in this awful corporate speak that meant nothing to me.

That was it. Transparency. Four years later I figured it out. I was four years ahead of them and I didn’t even know it, but I felt it.

My next role made me feel like I had blindfold removed from my eyes and shackles taken off my wrists.