White people in Corporate America.

First of all, I must say: I am an immigrant, and SO thankful for the protection this country brings. I am also thankful for the diversity that this country allows for us to have. Please do not confuse my words for ungratefulness.

But, there is always room for improvement.

The issue with Caucasians in the work force is that they are so incredibly ignorant to so many daily injustices and micro aggressions that us colored women face. And I'm not even the most marginalized! I am Middle Eastern, so I can't imagine how terrible Black women get treated! However, my daily workplace is still my jail cell and I will fight for change, however little is possible.

In office environments where I am surrounded by Caucasians, I am the last to be heard and recognized - and not because I don't speak up, I speak up constantly, but because most Caucasians are biased and wired to only hear and agree with other Caucasians. I have been literally hushed - silenced - on multiple occasions by my bosses, I mean oppressors, oh I mean bosses ;)~. I am even silenced by the Caucasian WOMEN in my office - it blows my mind. I could literally say "the sky is blue" and everyone would disagree with me, but the caucasian woman next to me could say "the sky is pink" - and everyone would agree, regardless of her being incorrect.  On so many occasions a white woman, who was not as qualified or good at her job has risen above me. My younger naive self would say, my time will come. But will it?

Will it come if I don't shout & yell? I don't think so. So this is me shouting and yelling.

There are times when I do speak up, loudly, and I am considered aggressive, or not nice. So I can never win. My options are to sit quietly and accept my fate, or stand up and fight to trail blaze for the women that will come after me. So I speak up, regardless of the shushing, and the ignoring, and the not being promoted. And I urge you to do the same.

the Gretchen effect Part 2.

My boss at BCBG was a white female, named Gretchen. My intuition and gut is so strong that I knew I wouldn’t like her before I even met her. I knew this by the way people spoke about her, not directly. It was what they weren’t saying that triggered this feeling. She was a strict disciplinarian. 

And in my very modern mind, that is not a good thing. Too much structure, too many rigid rules, too much oppression and hierarchy - never a good thing.

Gretchen expected military perfection in everything - in a simple email, in every excel sheet. She would call out and micro manage the smallest things. She was devoid of good emotion and warmth. It removed my ability to be myself and own my personality. I felt like I needed to read my emails four times before I sent them because she would give me a dreadful stare if I said something “wrong”.

She was my anti-thesis.

But what was wrong with what I was saying? I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t figure out the politics.

I pushed myself to keep my head down, work fast, suck it up and get shit done. I wasn’t there to make friends, and I hated it. I was depressed.

I did what I do best - I focus on what is working, mostly outside of work. I needed the job because I needed the money. I wanted this career path and I knew if I kept going it would get better.

But I was miserable. And it was changing my personality, not in a good way. I was absorbing her bad attitude and her anger at the smallest things.  I was taking it out on nice people around me.

And still, no matter how hard I tried, I could’t figure out the politics.

What were the politics? They were side discussions that managers would have using corporate lingo. 

Was it smart? Maybe. I was still figuring it out. Was I stupid? My SAT scores & my inner dialogue tell me otherwise. So no, I wasn’t “stupid”. Whatever that means.

I was aware.

I was aware that what they were saying, these “political” work arounds. Talking in a circle instead of being TRANSPARENT. Instead of just saying what you mean they would speak in this awful corporate speak that meant nothing to me.

That was it. Transparency. Four years later I figured it out. I was four years ahead of them and I didn’t even know it, but I felt it.

My next role made me feel like I had blindfold removed from my eyes and shackles taken off my wrists.

I was silenced: White privilege in corporate America.

Every company talks about inclusion & diversity. But where is it? I still don't see it.

The topic headlines Yahoo, our favorite magazines & online news, and frequents LinkedIn.

But I work in Corporate America. And I STILL DON'T SEE IT!

The very first company I worked at was 90% white males. The second company I worked at had a few ethnic races, and women, but again, mostly white, especially in positions such as VP, or Director.

Second company, same.

Third company, same.

Fourth company, same. Now 11 years later. Still, no change.

All VP's & Directors = WHITE.

What do I mean by white? I mean of European descent. Light skin, light hair, highly educated, mostly tall.

And let me comment real quick on Highly Educated ...education in America is a privilege, it's expensive. If you can't afford it, you may not be able to go. And if you don't go, you're stuck in the same position your parents were. Poverty is cyclical. If we don't provide all ethnicities with the same equal opportunities, financially as well, then we can never get out.

What do I look like? Short, tan skin, skinny, dark curly (very ethnic) middle eastern hair.

But let me go back to that Third Company real quick. Due to the size of the firm, I choose to keep their name secret because money is power. And let's just say, I have no power. Society has taught me that well.

My direct supervisor = WHITE MALE.

My second direct supervisor = WHITE FEMALE.

My VP of marketing = WHITE FEMALE.

The CEO = white male.

While they were great at keeping the male to female ratio equal. It was still 90% white. And the problem I have with that is in regards to superiority & subconscious white privileged behavior.

I can't say that it is their fault for treating me this way. This is the way they were raised. So who should have spoken up for me and protected me? HR.

Oh but wait, HR manager was WHITE female and VP was WHITE as well.

Backstory:

My direct supervisor would rarely agree with me in public. But if he knew I was right about something, in regards to a design let's say, he would design what I described over the weekend and bring it as his own idea the next week. And he would give me no credit. He would silence me and give me looks in meetings to gesture to me to keep quiet.

If I complained that someone was disrespecting me or bullying me, which they did a few times, he would brush it under the rug.

Was he threatened by me? Maybe, not likely. Was it his white upbringing? MOST likely. Hear me out here, MOST FUCKING likely.

It's too easy to claim that you are "for diversity". He hired one black female as an assistant - can we talk about levels? That's a huge issue of mine. Why were all the ethnic's hired at lower job levels? The hierarchy in the corporate system seem to reflect that which society has built outside of the office - in social standards.

I would complain so much about a vendor of ours who was mistreating us. It made me so uncomfortable to work with them. I complained, and instead of hearing me out or allowing me to work with another vendor they allowed the situation to escalate. Which was my own fault as well, due to my impatience. My impatience of being mistreated in corporate America for 11 years.

I was bullied by the larger girls in the office. I am 5'0 very un-intimidating. I was yelled at in public by two large white females. IN PUBLIC! And no one stood up for me. I would often stay quiet because I feared losing my job more than their hate and their treatment.

I went to HR.

I cried in their office.

I mentioned my boss' name. At the time I felt like it was a huge mistake that I spoke up. I felt like I got laid off because I spoke up. They claimed "budgetary issues". But I knew what it was. The boss was upset with me for speaking up. That was it.

I have made so many excuses about my own behavior since I was laid off. I thought maybe I was too young, maybe I didn't handle the budget correctly, maybe I was too outspoken in meetings - which I was (but wait, is that a fault?), maybe I made a few errors, maybe they really were losing money.

For the past 9 months I continued to repeat the stories over and over in my mind to make sure I could try to remember what I did wrong . I really did want to find out it was me that was the problem. That actually would make this a lot easier on my mind.

Such a Middle Eastern girl thing to do. Blame Herself.

But now that I am happy and healthy and back to my old self. I can now remember very clearly that this was not my fault. This is not an opinion. This is a fact.

FACT:

1. I was silenced when mentioning the mishandling of money and invoicing by a vendor.
2. I was silenced when mentioning the bullying of other people in the office.
3. I was silenced when mentioning my boss singling me out for imaginary problems that him & other people were making up to try to remove me from my position.

How does this all affect me today?

I am silent in meetings.

It will take me a very long time to ever speak up again if I see something wrong in the office.

I will never go to HR for anything.

Because is it worth it? Someone in my position - with no one to fall back on , is it worth it to lose my job? When my job is all I have?

Currently, no.

But one day, I hope this will change.