What is racism?

It's complicated & it's different for everyone.

But for me, for years, and in every darn situation, racism is that thing that you can't quite put your finger on. It's having a hard time making friends, especially white friends. It's trying to move up and up in the corporate ladder only to be chopped down every 6 months and needing to climb back up. It's the getting fired, or laid off 4 times in 13 years. It's making the same pay for 4 years in a row. It's not being promoted when every white boss and white individual around you is being promoted, for the same, even less amount of work. It's that feeling of not quite fitting in, ever. It's being left out of invites to team parties. It's the not being taken seriously by your bosses. It's the not being heard for your skillset, for what you were hired for in the first place. It's the being given the blame, when they want to save someone else. It's the not getting a job, even though you went on 50 interviews in less than 9 months. Its the answer to "why doesn't she leave?". 

But again, and most importantly, it's that thing that you can't quite put your finger on.

It's covert, and it's deadly.

It's checking off all your boxes, and still not being fully accepted. It's not being recognized even though when you look in the mirror, you know your pretty darn perfect.

So what is it then?

Why won't they accept me?

Why won't they just let me in?

It's the ..."she's great, but...", "I really like her, but....", "She has such a great personality....but".

It's the feeling you felt for years but you didn't have the words to express. It's the feeling you felt and you knew deep inside, but you were so pure, and not racist yourself, so you couldn't identify it.

It's racism.

FAIRNESS, and I dont mean your skintone, but maybe I do?

There are some people in this world that can move through the world more "freely", and then, there are "other's". There are some people that move on without consequences. And then, there are "other's". There are some people that are "allowed" to behave a certain way, and then, there are "other's". I am other.

FAIRNESS truly is only for the fair.

In a recent experience (I won't say real names) - Christina & Jessica moonlighted while at work and was caught. Jessica, a fair-skinned affluent woman under 30 years old and Christina a dark-skinned, and Asian women were caught. Their case was considered for 24 hours before making any decisions, and then it was decided that they would be kept at the company. Even though they clearly defied the contract that you sign upon hire. This notch on their chart was a second notch to their already "bad" behavior at work (missing deadlines, leaving to lunch for two hours, rolling in to the office at 1030AM leaving at 5PM etc..)

If I, a Middle Eastern, Petite woman, with big ass frizzy curly hair was EVER in this position, I would be CANNED. The rules are different for me, they always have been. As a marginalized being, I am forced to be "perfect". I move, act, & react in this world according to "perfection". I have to, and from personal, direct experience, I know I have to because I have been fired for "bad" behavior. Have you?

 I know, that the second I am "imperfect". If I break any of these "rules", I am the one to get fired, laid-off, demoted, because that is just another notch on my resume, on top of being female, petite, curly hair, hairy-ish arms, less "like-able" qualities, everything that is the opposite of Caucasian. If I miss a comma in an email, I receive an eye-roll from my superiors. If I miss ONE email, because I receive hundreds of emails throughout the day, I am considered not diligent. While others around me can completely work on side projects on work hours and still receive praise from the CEO. 

Fucking incredible.

The added consequence of this duo being kept at this company - as my inferiors (I am technically above them in title) - have now gained momentum & empowerment to be even more disrespectful and intolerant of me. They were already this way in the past, but they double downed their attitude towards me when they returned, not in an act of defiance but in an act of ultra-superiority. I officially have no say in any move they make from now on.

An additional consequence of this from my end, is that I am even more quiet than I was before. And alienated by the team. If I my vocal intolerance of their "misbehavior" was not appreciated before, it definitely wasn't appreciated now. Not long after these events, I was not invited to a going away party of 2 other women in our group. While I don't have personal emotions towards it, because my real life is way more incredible than my work life, it's interesting to watch it play out as the only Middle Eastern woman on the team.

 So now, if I need to peg a metaphor to it, it feel like I am in jail. And the bad guys rule. I need to be able to see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil in order to survive. Can't wait to see how the rest of the year plays out (insert eye-roll).

 Someone, please call me out if I am being unfair.